Saturday, January 14, 2012

Taking care of grandkids

I've written elsewhere about the prime directive of grand-parenting--namely, that when you tire of the little darlings, you can always send them back to mom and dad.  This is a topic that has been on my mind since the holidays.

Like every generalization, exceptions contradict the norm.  We have friends in their late 60's who have become legal guardians for a grandson, who is now about 7 years old.  The child's father, our friend's son from her first marriage, has battled drug addiction since his adolescence.  Both son and grandson live with them, although the son bounces in and out of the house as a result of time spent on binges, with various women, and occasionally in jail.  As for the grandson, he is a sweet kid who has his ornery moments as would be expected of any little boy.  For his grandparents--his legal guardians--there is no "sending back" when fatigue sets in or patience wears thin, a responsibility they bear with determined goodwill.  They will be in their late 70's by the time he graduates from high school.

An aunt and uncle of mine raised five of their grandchildren during the 1950's and 60's.  Their daughter, my cousin, first handed over 3 young daughters to her parents, who were at the time in their early 40's.  My uncle worked as a janitor in the local junior high school, his modest single income supporting the entire brood.  To me he was the eye of the hurricane, sitting in his recliner-rocker smoking his pipe, rarely saying much unless spoken to.  My aunt sewed clothes, cooked, and jabbered away from sunrise to bedtime, raising her granddaughters with alternating strictness and charity.  About the time the granddaughters were finally off to lives of their own, two more of their siblings arrived, a half-sister and brother from a second relationship for my cousin, who was still ill-equipped to raise her own children.  So my aunt and uncle housed and fed and scolded and loved another batch of grandkids.  Looking back, I marvel at my uncle's equanimity and can hardly blame my aunt for her alternating crankiness and good humor.  She and her husband did what they had to do, without complaint, at least as far as I ever heard.

We had a taste of their experiences while we were in Colorado visiting our son's family over the holidays. My son's wife, who has been battling demons of her own for quite some time, finally sought help a few days after Christmas and was in residential care for almost two weeks.  She and our son have also been battling each other and their marriage appears to be in jeopardy--not a good situation for them or their four young kids.   With mom out of the picture for 10 days, we suddenly became the grandparents in charge, their full-time caretakers during our son's workdays.  We also pitched in to help clean up their house, which had slipped into chaos as a result of their parents' unhappiness with each other and themselves.  My wife had to fly back to work shortly after Christmas, but I stayed a week beyond New Year's to take care of the kids while our son worked and to help return the household to some semblance of order before his wife returned from her incapacitation.

The lessons I wrote about earlier when describing our Christmas decorating routine helped me to not only survive, but also to enjoy my week alone with the grandkids.  First, I set some simple rules, and second, I made keeping them a way for the kids to do their part to help things run smoothly.  As I noted before, most children thrive on routine and welcome responsibilities they can perform.  So I simply asked for help and they gave it:  No eating except at the kitchen table.  That helped keep the cracker crumbs and half-eaten bananas out of the rug and couches or wherever else a one or two or three or five-year-old might drop them while wandering the house.  It also made room-by-room clean up possible.  The kids were shown how to clean up after themselves in the basement toy room and in their bedrooms.  Everyone picks up 5 toys at the end of playtime.  Toys go back in the buckets and on the shelves when done.  Dirty laundry goes in the laundry basket in your bedroom.  Trash goes in the wastebaskets I bought for every room in the house.  Dirty dishes and silverware go in the dishwasher after meals or snacks.  The two oldest also love to help cook and even clean, at least for short bursts, so I always had volunteers when I asked for assistance with breakfast or lunch or even a bathroom scrubbing.

I set up a daily schedule and stuck to it, which included delivery and pick up at school and morning daycare, time for homework and sharing about what the oldest did in kindergarten, time for help with laundry, time for one or two children's TV shows, play times, nap time, meal times.  Within a couple of days, I could see all four kids relax and fall into a routine.  There were opportunities for plenty of laughter and playing together, mostly on their own but sometimes with grandpa included.  After the first couple of days, I barely heard a squeak when I asked everyone to sit at the table for a meal or snack, or announced it was time to pick up toys or read together or brush teeth or put on pajamas.  The four kids play amazingly well together, although the occasional tug-of-war over a toy or bonk on the head occurs.  When I heard, "Grandpa, she won't let me have . . ." I responded with my dad's favorite line:  "You guys work it out yourself."  That solved the problem 90% of the time.

I'm not pretending that parenting is an easy job.  As my wife always jokes, "That's why you have kids when you're young."  It takes energy and stamina and patience and discipline to go along with love.  We certainly love our grandchildren and enjoy their company.   But, we have no desire to be responsible for raising them as a second family at our age, although we would undertake the task if absolutely necessary, as have so many grandparents before us and as do millions of grandparents now.  Data from the 2007 census counts 6.2 million grandparents in the United States who have grandchildren younger than 18 living with them.   Of that number, 2.5 million are entirely responsible for these children's food, clothing, and shelter.  Over 700 thousand of them suffer from some disability themselves, while also caring for grandkids.   Seen from another perspective, the census reported 4.4 million children living full-time in a grandparent's home.

After 10 days caring for four little ones, I came home from Denver  5 pounds lighter, exhausted and sore, although it broke my heart to leave them as it always does--even when they just come visit for the day.  I admire my friends and relatives and the millions of others who have taken on the challenge of raising grandchildren.  I hope that my wife and I will continue to be a large part of our grandchildren's lives, but we're also hoping that my son and his wife can "work it out" for themselves so that they can raise their own family and so that we can enjoy their children often and send them home after a visit with grandma and grandpa.

No comments:

Post a Comment